Monday, April 28, 2014
I Can Feel the Warmth of the Suns Rays Upon My Face
For the first time she had met someone who understood that black abyss one finds themselves in.
Both our eyes were moist with tears as she talked about her son and what had led him to the point where he like my brother had lost all hope. She will always hold a special place deep within my heart and she too will always be included in my prayers.
I have visited with two other mothers whose sons chose to end their life. It is a bitter yet sweet experience for me. There is always this instant connection because for the first time they like me have found someone who understands that great valley of sorrow and we find comfort in each other.
My first great heart ache came when I found out at the age of 12
I had been adopted.
I felt the pain of rejection and anger.
It was bad enough that my biological family did not want me but the people who had adopted my brother and I just up and left us also.
I still fight with the insecurity of not being "good enough to be loved." Because of that early childhood pain.
Then when I was married and in my early twenties I was told that I would never be able to bear children. I then felt the pain of Failure, not being a "real woman", an outcast, anger, jealousy and once again rejection from a Father who lived in Heaven that I had always been taught loved me.
During that dark period I felt I was unloved even by Him.
(I was hurt, young and very naive.)
Then my only brother committed suicide.
All the previous pains I had endured up to that point did not even come close
to what I endured when I heard and realized that my brother was gone.
All I remember was an icy numbness through out my entire being.
My world which had been filled with sunshine and rays of hope was now a dark icy black hole where no light could penetrate.
My last memory was of the attendant's trying to close my brother casket and this mad women trying to crawl into the casket with him and when they tried to pull her away she was screaming and swinging.
She was not going to allow anyone to separate her from her beloved brother.
It was like I was watching from the sidelines as four family members jumped up and proceeded to pry this "mad" woman's" fingers from the casket and pulled her away so the lid could be sealed.
She was screaming hysterically and then she heard the "Click" of the lid shutting and she just slumped in their arms.
At that moment everything became a blur and nothing mattered because she did not feel anything.
It took a year from my life.
All I remember is that icy numbness and all the world was a blur.
I shared with this sweet mother and the other two mothers the day that icy numbness started to melt and I felt a little something in the area where my heart used to be; a dull ache of sorts.
Day by day that dull ache turned into something more and I it was in 2001 that the tears finally spilled from my eyes. (My brother died in 1994) and I was able to grieve the loss of my brother and it was then that I once again felt the warmth of the rays of sunshine upon my face.
I had not shared the sunshine part with two of my new friends but my first friend that I met, I had shared that with her.
Her and I stayed in touch for over a year.
I shall never forget her last note.
She shared with me that she had a new grand-baby and then closed with this sentence,
"I once again feel the warmth of the rays of sunshine upon my face."
I still have that note with my dried tears upon it because as I read her last words tears filled my eyes because she too had a healed jagged scar as a constant reminder of what we both endured and she too knew the joy at once again feeling the warmth of the suns rays upon our face.