Sunday, May 1, 2016

"I've got to find out who I am"

"I am so grateful for the joy and peace that is so much a part of my life and the knowledge that I am a divine daughter of a Divine Heavenly Father and that He knows my name personally and He is aware of my fears heartache and challenges. I also know that He is always there listening and bringing peace when my soul becomes troubled. He is my best friend." (May 1 2011)

Five years ago today I posted this thought on my FB feed now five years later do you think I can remember what touched me to post that thought....sadly I can't.

Today this first day of May 2016 I am finding my thoughts being taken back many years ago during a period of my life I was not sure who I was or where I belonged.  
It was during that period I stumbled across this song and its lyrics touched me deeply.

Michael McClean penned these inspired words and they were on a Seminary CD I had purchased.  Music has always been a source of inspiration and peace when I found myself struggling.

I've Got to Find Out Who I Am
I've Got to Find Out Who I Am
The melody’s familiar,
I’ve heard this song before.
It’s been around the thousand years,
Or maybe even more.
And everybody’s sung it,
At least I think they’ve tried,
But even when the singing’s done
This song goes on inside.
I’ve got to find out who I am  
I’ve got to find out who I am
Got to know. And got to see what’s making me, me
I’ve got to when I do I know I’ll be what I can
When I find out who I am.
I’ll be all I can.
When I find out who I am.
And when I do know
I’ll be what I can.
When I find out who I am.
I’ll be all I can.
When I find out who I am.

Text:  Michael McLean
Music:  Michael McLean

Music still speaks to my soul and it still continues to inspire me but now I find when
 I am finding adrift reach out to friends some who share my beliefs and many who don't we wind up talking, crying and hugging.
Recently on one such visit my friend started crying and made this comment,
"I've got to work on me and rediscover who I am before I try and build something more."  
The lyrics to this song instantly started playing through my mind and I remembered a talk I had given in Sacrament many years ago based the lyrics of this song.
Needless to say we were both in tears but smiling because as the song stated, 

"When I find out who I am, I'll be all I can, When I find out who I am."

What a beautiful message of hope! 

Today I was visiting with a friend who has always been an anchor for me. 
 Her hand was always there to lift and cheer me on.

On this visit we both realized we were both emotional train wreaks dealing with long suppressed issues that we had buried and tried to run away from. 
I was amazed at how similar our stories were and what we were doing to try and avoid these suppressed emotions.

We smiled as we both agreed we were our own stumbling blocks:)

I shared with her the experience I had with my other friend and how the lyrics to that long ago song had run through my mind and how I had based a talk on the lyrics of that song. 
(A talk which by the way, I can't even remember, I just remember reading the lyrics of this song after I had shared some thoughts.)

We shared how each of us were trying to overcome these issues and what a struggle it was to let go of this long held baggage along with other insights we had gained.

As we parted I asked my friend not to be such a stranger and with tears in her eyes she sobbed, "but I have nothing I can offer you.  My first reply was "well my friend we are both in the same boat cause right now I have nothing I can offer you."  But as I drove home this thought came into my mind, "No you may not have any pearls of wisdom to share with your friend right now but you can offer her love, your friendship and your arms."
I shared that insight with my friend that she could offer me her love, her friendship and her arms.
In my eyes that is one of the definitions of Charity, The pure love of Christ.

As I was collecting my thoughts on what I wanted to write I immediately seen on my FB feed that post I had posted five years ago;and I found myself looking deep within my soul to see if anything had changed and there has been a lot of change a change in me from who I was then to who I am now.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am a Divine Daughter of my Heavenly Father and there is no doubt in my mind that He does know my name personally.  But not only me He know each and every ones name on this giant earth and His love for each and every one of us is so deep we cannot even begin to comprehend that love in this mortal life but I believe that is why He blessed us with Families so we could have a taste of that divine love.
Sadly there are many who are not born into loving families they are born into as President Uchdorf commented in his priesthood address, "disposable families." 
(will share his thoughts on another post)

My heart breaks for those who come from broken homes.

Like some of my friends I became broken in life by thoughtless and careless actions and words of others around me.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am the Queen of Issues and that I have always been a runner.

At a young age I started molding myself into what others wanted me to be. 
I wore so many different masks that like my one friend I had forgotten who I was.  
As I was searching I stumbled upon that song.

I am now 50 years of age and I thought I had a pretty good handle on who I am but because of those long buried issues I find myself in a battle with myself.  
My trusted beloved friend is encouraging me to let go of that long held baggage because He sees me so differently than I see myself and He truly wants me to become the best I can and I know in my heart He truly has my best interest at heart but it is so hard to let go of something that has protected me for so many years yet I know as I told my friend today my holding on is causing me to stumble and I have no one to blame but me.

A Christian singer by the name of Hawk Nelson I believe has a new song about the Lord turning us into diamonds.  
I have worked my way to that chunk of coal and He now feels it is time to start molding me into a diamond 
(but doggone it I just hate diamonds:)

So, just keep murmuring about what a classic chunk of coal I've become and He keeps reminding me

 "I'll be all I can
When I find out who I am"


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