Have I Done Any Good

"Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?"

As a little girl I remember my mom singing or or humming this beloved hymn as she cleaned the house.  It was one of her favorite hymns.  All the stories I heard about my mom was that she was the one who loved to serve her family, friends and neighbors. I loved listening to her as she sang or hummed this beautiful hymn and I promised myself that when I grew up I wanted to serve like she had. 

"There are chances for work all around just now,

Opportunities right in our way.

Do not let them pass by, saying, “Sometime I’ll try,”

But go and do something today.

’Tis noble of man to work and to give;

Love’s labor has merit alone.

Only he who does something helps others to live.

To God each good work will be known."

Since my first infusion I have been having issues with shortness of breath and some other issues.  I hoped to hold out until I saw my chemo doc for my next infusion but didn't quite make it.  I called Huntsman early Tuesday morning to visit with my Chemo docs nurse who informed me that I needed to go to the local ER to get evaluated NOW!  So, I left work and got a ride to our local ER where the ER doc shared with me after labs, cat scans, and EKG, "you're really sick."  He wanted to admit me for observation but I assured him I would be OK, so he reluctantly released me with strict "come back orders and call Huntsman while in the car."

As I was leaving the ER, I noticed a woman sitting on the bench where I was headed to sit as I waited for my husband to pick me up and as I got closer I observed her crying.  My heart ached for her and I had compassion fill my soul as I longed to comfort her.  I approached her and asked her, "are you OK?"  Then I answered myself smiling and said, "no, we wouldn't be here if we were OK"  She looked at me with tear filled eyes and simply said, "it has been a really really really bad day."  Her ride then pulled up and as I helped her up I opened her car door and as she was getting in I made a comment, "Oh, I just have cancer but it is nothing to what you are facing."  Then I wished her the best as I was closing her door and she was thanking me.  I then asked Heavenly Father to watch over her as I watched her and her ride drive away.  My husband then came up to me to help me to our pickup to take me home.

As I reflected on our brief interaction I found myself smiling, at my cancer no big deal attitude because I knew my Heavenly Father was smiling upon me for showing her compassion and kindness because I had done some good in the world that day.

"Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love."

It is truly a pleasure, a joy beyond measure, a blessing of duty and love.            

As King Benjamin said:

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of  your God."

(Mosiah 2:17)

How grateful I am that my mother was a great example of being: "in service of your God."

Are We Not all Beggers

This new journey I am facing has me questioning if I am going to have the

strength to endure. 

I have found myself reflecting on the trials I have faced starting with infertility,

the suicide of my brother, pancreatitis, breast cancer and the loss of my friend

who fought her cancer at the same time I was facing breast cancer.

Through all these journeys I was able to find peace and support in the Lord

who helped heal my broken and scarred heart.

I found myself whispering, "not mine will be done but thine will be done." 

I thanked Him for the countless blessings of strength and quick healing

that came with me living the Word of Wisdom; but this journey is different.

There is no quick healing and with my first chemo treatment I am finding

that I am no longer able to, "Walk and not be weary, run and not faint." 

I have shortness of breath as I slowly climb the stairs at work and

then find myself out of breath and taking more minutes to get my breath back.

I had my first chemo treatment and it was an experience. 

As soon as the medication hit my vein my throat instantly closed, and it felt like

my heart froze.  I felt as if an elephant was sitting on my chest.

I knew I was going to be taken out of this world

with a heart attack which shocked me due to I have

never had any heart issues and my heart has always been healthy and strong.

Then my next thought was "they're going to pull me out of this chair and start CPR." 

The nurses were shocked at how quickly everything went south and

they were all around me administering medication,

getting the chemo med unattached from my IV without pulling out my IV. 

I felt my heart pounding as I tried to regulate my heart rate. and get air into my lungs. 

I'm not sure how long it took but the nurses finally got me stabilized.

My heart pounded for quite a few days after I got home when I walked up stairs

or even from my car to the school's front door and my chest continues to hurt.

My chem team encouraged me to keep walking and encouraged me to take the stairs,

which I try to do even though they take so much out of me. 

I am losing muscle mass at an accelerated rate.  My body is truly being ravaged. 

I have found myself starting to fall into a deep despair thinking,

"I don't have the strength to get through this." 

I have so many prayers to buoy me up but I still have my dark days. 

My husband and I have seen so much pain and suffering each time we

enter the doors of the Huntsman Cancer institute. 

On my treatment day I came across a very thin lady, wearing her chemo hat

due to the fact that she had no hair, arms and legs like toothpicks being

pushed in a wheelchair by a loved one. 

My heart ached for her and I felt tears start to come to my eyes as

I watched them pass by me.  I then turned to my husband and asked,

"when do you say when?" 

She comes into my mind when I start my pity party and then

I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself when so far I am able to walk,

work and do some light activities. 

I listened to General Conference but I was so sick I couldn't soak up t

heir inspired words as I had in the past. 

I have been re-listening to Conference and there have been speakers

that have spoken about the atonement and brought up cancer and some that hit my heart

to remind me why I am still here and while I am still here I am on the Lord's errand.

I have been so blessed with amazing Branch Support and support from our

community and friends that I have had the pleasure of journeying with for many years.

I had a parent recently call the school and tell me how glad she was to hear my voice

and then asked if she could bring me a meal and to let me know I was in her prayers.

Her love and kindness touched me deeply.  I met a local community nurse who is

helping me with the ropes of a school nurse who has the same type of cancer as me

who emails me weekly to check on me and sends me resources for cancer patients.

Though we have never met, her kindness also touches my heart

The Lord has truly blessed me with an amazing support team of friends and strangers. 

How I appreciate all of them.

My husband has been totally involved with this round of cancer. 

Ensuring he is home to get me to appts, learning how to cook and taking care of me. 

With my other experiences I seemed to bounce back So he was to go back to work

quickly but this time his focus has been working when he can

but being home to take care of me and supporting me. 

He has never liked it when I cried but he has been getting a bucketful of tears

when the weight of my disease wears so heavy on me that I cry to him and

I cry to my Heavenly Father asking, "Why?" 

Then sharing my fears with both of them.  

My surgeon on our last visit kept telling me how "strong" I was,

and I would get through this.

His words brought back the last words I heard from my brother,

"you were the strong one sis, you were the strong one." 

I remember with tear filled eyes responding, "I don't feel that strong." 

Now I am pleading with the Lord, "Lord, I'm not strong enough to endure this trial. 

I don't think I can do this."  And His peace fills my troubled soul.

Over the last couple weeks I have had two thoughts running through my mind;

the first was how the Lord gives us our breath each day.

When my throat closed I could not even get a breath and the

second was King sermon found in Mosiah 4:19: 

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being,

even God, for all the substance which we have for both food and raiment,

and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?"

I can honestly say that right now with all the weight I have lost and the weakness that

I am now facing I am truly a beggar

Even though I do not understand the Lord's timing in letting me go through this trial I feel

that I need to share His light and love with those who are sharing their own cancer journey.  

My next treatment is coming up and I can honestly admit I am having some anxiety

because I do not want to feel what I felt that first time ever again.

But I know I am in the best care with my Huntsman team 

My future is uncertain for the next several months due to I do not know what side effects

I am going to bear but I do know that when I am at Huntsman I am not alone;

because I am surrounded by cancer fighters all in various stages

who could use a smile or a word of encouragement.

As our beloved Prophet President Nelson called us to do,

"Ministering a higher and Holier call." 

For me there is no other place to be that type of Minister who as the Savior invited

"Minister to the one" than at Huntsman.

May the Lord bless me and them with the strength to endure

what we are each called to face is my prayer for them and me.