Here it is the first day of the New Year and I have since my last treatment been sicker than a dog. A barrage of side effects hitting me on all sides, dizziness, weakness, sickness, and my list could go on and on.
Throughout this cancer journey I have been blessed with strength but this last treatment hit me hard physically and mentally. I turned to a trusted friend and mentor and as I sobbed my sad story to him he looked at me and simply stated, "My dear friend, you are pulling your handcart across the plains and have found yourself in the midst of a Wyoming blizzard." With tear filled eyes, I responded, "If that's the case I am face down in that blizzard just waiting to be called back to my Heavenly home." He had a thoughtful expression come across his face as he replied, "No, my friend, you are stronger than that and I know that you have angels behind you helping you push your handcart." It was then I had President Holland's voice come into my mind, "Don't you quit, you keep going and you keep trying!" As the man cried to the Savior when asked if he believed the Savior could heal his son, "Lord I believe, help me with my unbelief!" I found myself crying, "Lord, I just don't have the strength to go on! My body is wasting away, please help me!" I then received a beautiful Priesthood blessing. Which brought me great peace. It was a beautiful blessing which soothed my troubled soul.
As I have been trying to get through the days since my treatment, I was awakened this morning with the thought that I needed to start my mornings in my scriptures and reminded me that we were studying the Old Testament. I love the Old Testament! So, I got up and found myself in Jonah. It's funny during my breast cancer journey in 2020, I found myself immersed in the Old Testament, Job, Psalms and Proverbs and then this morning Jonah. How I can relate to Jonah? He was called to preach to a wicked people and he ran. Most know the story of him being tossed overboard and then swallowed by a big fish. He then repented and did as the Lord had Commanded him only to be angry and what I call pouty because the people repented and were not destroyed. There are a lot of pearls in the Book of Jonah. Like Jonah I spent many years running from the Lord, being angry like Jonah and like Jonah I learned some remarkable lessons on forgiveness and tender mercies of the Lord.
Elder Matthew S Holland gave a Conference Address in Oct. titled, "Do Not Forsake Your Own Mercy. Where he made this comment, "Jonah's cry is that of a good man in crisis, one largely of his own making. For a saint, when catastrophe is brought on by regrettable habit, comment, or decision, despite many other good intentions and earnest efforts of righteousness, it can be especially crushing and leave one feeling forsaken. But whatever the cause or degree of disaster we face, there is always dry ground for hope, healing, and happiness..." This past week I was feeling pretty forsaken. Jonah described me perfectly, "The waters compassed me about, even to the soul; the depth closed me around about, the weeds were wrapped about my head. I went down the bottoms of the mountains...when my soul fainted...I remembered the Lord; and my prayer came...into thy holy temple."
Elder Holland continued, "Though it was many years ago, I can tell you exactly where I was sitting and exactly what I was feeling when, deep in the belly of a personal hell, I discovered the scriptures. For anyone today feeling like I did then--that you are cast off, sinking in the deepest waters, with seaweed wrapped about your head, and oceanic mountains crashing all around you--my plea, inspired by Jonah, is forsake not your own mercy. You have immediate access to divine help and healing despite your human flaws. This awe-inspiring mercy comes in and through Jesus Christ. Because He knows and loves you perfectly..."
As I stated at the beginning of this post I was awakened this morning with the thought that I needed to start my day with scripture study and my excitement on studying the New Testament which testifies over and over about our Lord and Savior and how the writers overcame their trials. I am excited to receive the pearls that are in store for me as I study the Old Testament this year as it helps bring me peace on my cancer journey.
May you all feel the love and peace of our Savior as you learn and strive to become more like Him.
