Have I Done Any Good

"Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?"

As a little girl I remember my mom singing or or humming this beloved hymn as she cleaned the house.  It was one of her favorite hymns.  All the stories I heard about my mom was that she was the one who loved to serve her family, friends and neighbors. I loved listening to her as she sang or hummed this beautiful hymn and I promised myself that when I grew up I wanted to serve like she had. 

"There are chances for work all around just now,

Opportunities right in our way.

Do not let them pass by, saying, “Sometime I’ll try,”

But go and do something today.

’Tis noble of man to work and to give;

Love’s labor has merit alone.

Only he who does something helps others to live.

To God each good work will be known."

Since my first infusion I have been having issues with shortness of breath and some other issues.  I hoped to hold out until I saw my chemo doc for my next infusion but didn't quite make it.  I called Huntsman early Tuesday morning to visit with my Chemo docs nurse who informed me that I needed to go to the local ER to get evaluated NOW!  So, I left work and got a ride to our local ER where the ER doc shared with me after labs, cat scans, and EKG, "you're really sick."  He wanted to admit me for observation but I assured him I would be OK, so he reluctantly released me with strict "come back orders and call Huntsman while in the car."

As I was leaving the ER, I noticed a woman sitting on the bench where I was headed to sit as I waited for my husband to pick me up and as I got closer I observed her crying.  My heart ached for her and I had compassion fill my soul as I longed to comfort her.  I approached her and asked her, "are you OK?"  Then I answered myself smiling and said, "no, we wouldn't be here if we were OK"  She looked at me with tear filled eyes and simply said, "it has been a really really really bad day."  Her ride then pulled up and as I helped her up I opened her car door and as she was getting in I made a comment, "Oh, I just have cancer but it is nothing to what you are facing."  Then I wished her the best as I was closing her door and she was thanking me.  I then asked Heavenly Father to watch over her as I watched her and her ride drive away.  My husband then came up to me to help me to our pickup to take me home.

As I reflected on our brief interaction I found myself smiling, at my cancer no big deal attitude because I knew my Heavenly Father was smiling upon me for showing her compassion and kindness because I had done some good in the world that day.

"Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love."

It is truly a pleasure, a joy beyond measure, a blessing of duty and love.            

As King Benjamin said:

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of  your God."

(Mosiah 2:17)

How grateful I am that my mother was a great example of being: "in service of your God."

Are We Not all Beggers

This new journey I am facing has me questioning if I am going to have the

strength to endure. 

I have found myself reflecting on the trials I have faced starting with infertility,

the suicide of my brother, pancreatitis, breast cancer and the loss of my friend

who fought her cancer at the same time I was facing breast cancer.

Through all these journeys I was able to find peace and support in the Lord

who helped heal my broken and scarred heart.

I found myself whispering, "not mine will be done but thine will be done." 

I thanked Him for the countless blessings of strength and quick healing

that came with me living the Word of Wisdom; but this journey is different.

There is no quick healing and with my first chemo treatment I am finding

that I am no longer able to, "Walk and not be weary, run and not faint." 

I have shortness of breath as I slowly climb the stairs at work and

then find myself out of breath and taking more minutes to get my breath back.

I had my first chemo treatment and it was an experience. 

As soon as the medication hit my vein my throat instantly closed, and it felt like

my heart froze.  I felt as if an elephant was sitting on my chest.

I knew I was going to be taken out of this world

with a heart attack which shocked me due to I have

never had any heart issues and my heart has always been healthy and strong.

Then my next thought was "they're going to pull me out of this chair and start CPR." 

The nurses were shocked at how quickly everything went south and

they were all around me administering medication,

getting the chemo med unattached from my IV without pulling out my IV. 

I felt my heart pounding as I tried to regulate my heart rate. and get air into my lungs. 

I'm not sure how long it took but the nurses finally got me stabilized.

My heart pounded for quite a few days after I got home when I walked up stairs

or even from my car to the school's front door and my chest continues to hurt.

My chem team encouraged me to keep walking and encouraged me to take the stairs,

which I try to do even though they take so much out of me. 

I am losing muscle mass at an accelerated rate.  My body is truly being ravaged. 

I have found myself starting to fall into a deep despair thinking,

"I don't have the strength to get through this." 

I have so many prayers to buoy me up but I still have my dark days. 

My husband and I have seen so much pain and suffering each time we

enter the doors of the Huntsman Cancer institute. 

On my treatment day I came across a very thin lady, wearing her chemo hat

due to the fact that she had no hair, arms and legs like toothpicks being

pushed in a wheelchair by a loved one. 

My heart ached for her and I felt tears start to come to my eyes as

I watched them pass by me.  I then turned to my husband and asked,

"when do you say when?" 

She comes into my mind when I start my pity party and then

I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself when so far I am able to walk,

work and do some light activities. 

I listened to General Conference but I was so sick I couldn't soak up t

heir inspired words as I had in the past. 

I have been re-listening to Conference and there have been speakers

that have spoken about the atonement and brought up cancer and some that hit my heart

to remind me why I am still here and while I am still here I am on the Lord's errand.

I have been so blessed with amazing Branch Support and support from our

community and friends that I have had the pleasure of journeying with for many years.

I had a parent recently call the school and tell me how glad she was to hear my voice

and then asked if she could bring me a meal and to let me know I was in her prayers.

Her love and kindness touched me deeply.  I met a local community nurse who is

helping me with the ropes of a school nurse who has the same type of cancer as me

who emails me weekly to check on me and sends me resources for cancer patients.

Though we have never met, her kindness also touches my heart

The Lord has truly blessed me with an amazing support team of friends and strangers. 

How I appreciate all of them.

My husband has been totally involved with this round of cancer. 

Ensuring he is home to get me to appts, learning how to cook and taking care of me. 

With my other experiences I seemed to bounce back So he was to go back to work

quickly but this time his focus has been working when he can

but being home to take care of me and supporting me. 

He has never liked it when I cried but he has been getting a bucketful of tears

when the weight of my disease wears so heavy on me that I cry to him and

I cry to my Heavenly Father asking, "Why?" 

Then sharing my fears with both of them.  

My surgeon on our last visit kept telling me how "strong" I was,

and I would get through this.

His words brought back the last words I heard from my brother,

"you were the strong one sis, you were the strong one." 

I remember with tear filled eyes responding, "I don't feel that strong." 

Now I am pleading with the Lord, "Lord, I'm not strong enough to endure this trial. 

I don't think I can do this."  And His peace fills my troubled soul.

Over the last couple weeks I have had two thoughts running through my mind;

the first was how the Lord gives us our breath each day.

When my throat closed I could not even get a breath and the

second was King sermon found in Mosiah 4:19: 

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being,

even God, for all the substance which we have for both food and raiment,

and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?"

I can honestly say that right now with all the weight I have lost and the weakness that

I am now facing I am truly a beggar

Even though I do not understand the Lord's timing in letting me go through this trial I feel

that I need to share His light and love with those who are sharing their own cancer journey.  

My next treatment is coming up and I can honestly admit I am having some anxiety

because I do not want to feel what I felt that first time ever again.

But I know I am in the best care with my Huntsman team 

My future is uncertain for the next several months due to I do not know what side effects

I am going to bear but I do know that when I am at Huntsman I am not alone;

because I am surrounded by cancer fighters all in various stages

who could use a smile or a word of encouragement.

As our beloved Prophet President Nelson called us to do,

"Ministering a higher and Holier call." 

For me there is no other place to be that type of Minister who as the Savior invited

"Minister to the one" than at Huntsman.

May the Lord bless me and them with the strength to endure

what we are each called to face is my prayer for them and me.

Ones Crowning Beauty

 As I continue on with my cancer journey, I recently met my chemo team where the wall of denial was torn down with a demolition ball as they explained to me the process of my chemo treatments.  My chemo doc started explaining the side effects to expect.  The first being that I would, "lose my hair quickly."  I was instantly sick to my stomach as she continued to explain the do's and don'ts while receiving chemo.  My world was instantly turned upside down again.

All my life I have had thick beautiful hair.  People would ask me to share some of my hair with them.  When I first started my salt and pepper look, I received compliments on how beautiful my hair looked with the salt and pepper and how many wished theirs would change as mine had. Then when I became silver, I was complimented on the beautiful color of my hair with people sharing with me that they wished their hair was the color of mine.  I considered my hair one of my blessings from a loving Heavenly Father.

Upon returning home I found myself distraught at the thought of losing my hair.  I called my friend who happens to be my hairdresser in tears.  She listened to my sobs and then offered to shave my head to save me the hysteria of having my hair come out in handfuls in my hands during a shower.  We set the date and we cried as she lovingly shaved my head.  She then shared with me that once I started the chemo I would start noticing bald spots and when that happened to call her and she then would take my remaining hair off.  She then taught me how to tie scarves around my head and told me, "Girl, you're going to lose your  eyebrows also, so you will need to get an eyebrow pencil."  She knows I have never worn makeup and we both shared a laugh when I shared with her that if I tried to pencil on eyebrows I would have liner going all over my face.

My husband being a man was like, "it's just hair. It will grow back."  I know that; but for me it has been hard to lose my hair.  My surgeon tried to help by stating, "Hey, when your hair grows back you may have curly hair for a change."  That made me smile.  

As I have been facing my hair crisis I found myself in the Old Testament in which the topic was hair.  One of the first verses I found myself in was Isaiah.  I remember reading this passage as a little girl and it scarred me deeply.  It is found in Isaiah 3:16-26:  "Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet.  Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.  In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon.  The chains and the bracelets, and the mufflers.  The bonnets, and the ornaments for the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings.  The rings, and nose jewels.  The changeable suits of apparel and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins.  The glasses and the fine linen, and the hoods and the veils.  And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there will be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth and burning instead of beauty...  And her gates shall lament and mourn; and she being desolate shall sit upon the ground."  As an impressionable little girl I felt that a woman's hair was one of her crowns of beauty.

Then in Proverbs 16:31: "The hoary head (The gray hair of old age) is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness."  I know it's silly but in this verse I felt like I was losing my crown of glory, which I know is not the case but all the same it has and will be a major adjustment for me.

Like so many have shared with me my hair will grow back.  I guess I am just going to have to look at this as a new adventure as I see the results of what my hair will look like when it starts to grow back.  Could it possibly come back as my favorite color blue?  (I seriously doubt that) But it will be fun to see how my hair will come back; curly, straight, brown, silver, white or gray and will I still have the same thickness that I lost.  Only time will tell,

Now if you see me with pencil marks all over my face, please be kind and remember it will be OK to laugh with me because honestly I have no idea how to apply makeup due to I have never worn make up and if you see me with bright hats and colorful scarves those are to make you smile as well as to keep me positive as I continue on this second leg of my cancer journey because we are all in this journey called life together.  Through our good times and our bad times, someone will always have your back and that is our Heavenly Father who will never ever forsake you and friends that the Lord has placed in your path for such a time as this!

Understanding the Depth of the Atonement

 In this journey we call life we find ourselves on smooth waters, rough waters, or raging waters.  Each of us facing different journeys with different challenges.  In 2020 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and come to find out a very special friend had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.  We talked daily as we shared our mutual journey of cancer together.  The day I was told I was cancer free I was notified by my friend's husband that she had passed away from her cancer.  I spent many years coming to terms with survivor guilt and questioning the Lord "why her? why not me."  It took me a couple years to come to peace with the Lord's decision to take her and not me.

Fast forward to July 2025, I begun to not feel well and no one could give me any answers.  I found myself in our local ER's and on the third visit I was told my abdomen was full of fluid.  They drained a large amount of fluid and then I found out the fluid they had drained was filled with cancer cells.  I started to spiral into a deep despair and panic.  Anyone who hears "cancer" can relate.  I spent a month trying to get more answers and referral to our local cancer center with no luck.  It appears now that physicians don't have the time to listen to their patients let alone try and place themselves in their patients'shoes.  I was met with indifference and I can't help you.  I finally had my husband take me to University of Utah where I knew they would get me into Huntsman.  For the first time I was listened to and they immediately reached out to Huntsman who admitted me.  The month leading up to that decision I found myself engulfed in great despair and daily pleading with the Lord for some sort of understanding.  Hadn't I already endured enough?  While I was uttering those self serving prayers the Heavens appeared closed; but in the deepest darkest moment of my despair my prayers changed and then I felt the warmth of the Heavens once again surrounding me.

I have been reading talks given by the brethren in search of understanding and I recently came across a portion of a talk Elder Bednar had given where he talked about the Atonement.  I ate up every word.  He spoke about Nephi a Book of Mormon Prophet who had angered his two elder brothers and they in return bound him and were talking about killing him.  Nephi offered a heartfelt prayer to the Lord:  "O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren, yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound," (1 Nephi 7:17)  Elder Bednar then explained what his prayer would have been, "..My prayer would have included a request for something bad to happen to my brothers and ended with the phase 'Please get me out of this mess now!"  He then went on to explain something that I had missed in reading this passage many times, "It is especially interesting to me that Nephi did not pray as I would have prayed, to have his circumstances changed.  Rather, he prayed for the strength to change his circumstances..."  His inspired words spoke deeply to my soul as I realized that during my dark days I had been praying for the Lord to change my circumstances.

After a couple surgeries and hospital stays at Huntsman I now know the cancer that I am dealing with; like my beloved friend I am facing an ovarian cancer that worked itself into the lining of my stomach.  I was blessed to have an amazing surgeon and the Lord's watchful eye over me during the two surgeries.  I still have my dark moments of despair as I have been preparing myself for the next leg of my journey treatment.  As a hospice nurse I saw the effects of chemo and it left some deep anti chemo sentiments but my surgeon has been a great cheerleader in trying to ease those fears and cheering me on.  Elder Bednar closed his thoughts with this profound statement that I have been clinging to, "The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own..."  At this time I am relying on that power to keep me moving forward through this new journey and not fall into deep despair.

How grateful I am for the companionship of the Holy Ghost who when he sees me starting to mentally fray leads me to a place of peace either through inspired music, the brethren or my beloved scriptures.  During the first leg of this journey I found myself in one of my dark moments and I came across a talk given by President Holland who talked about ministering angels and then referencing 2 Kings 6:16, 17:   "...Mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire..."  In his closing remarks he promised that "in your time of need if you could see past the veil you would see chariots of fire rushing to your protection."  I remember thinking, "I hope those chariots are surrounding me now."  There is no doubt in my mind that they were and still are.

I then read another quote from one of the brethren about our pioneer forebear's who are cheering us on from the other side.  I have felt that power also but the greatest power that has helped buoy me has been the heartfelt prayers on my behalf from friends and my beloved Branch Members.  The Lord has blessed me by surrounding me with the best of the best and how I love and appreciate them all!

For now I am physically healing and mentally preparing myself for the next leg of my journey and I know the Lord will have the best of the best who will be treating and watching over my treatment.  With that being said I am also sure that there will be days I will find myself close to the mental edge but because of all the love and support surrounding me here and from the other side of the veil I will pull myself back to face a new day. One of those cheering me on is my beloved friend who has whispered,  "you got this dude!"

"What would it be like to hear the Savior pray for you?"

I was recently studying for a lesson and the author referenced a talk given by Tom Christofferson January 19, 2021. His talk was entitled “What would it be like to hear the Savior pray for you?” What a profound thought to ponder and reflect upon.  I have been reflecting on his question for the last few days and today while in the temple I found myself asking that question and wondering what words, would the Savior use to describe me.

Throughout our scriptures our Lord and Savior is described as one with compassion and filled with pure love.  I love the stories where the recipients bathe His feet with their tears and where one washed and anointed his feet with precious oils and her tears. Like the author shared, tears run freely as I too yearn for that day when I too may kiss his feet and bathe them with my tears.

The greatest act of His love was His eternal and infinite atonement.  What a great testimony to his pure love for each and everyone of us! After all He endured He still pleads unto our great eternal Father in our behalf.  Overcoming death for all of us and opening a grand door back to Him, I am amazed that He still pleads with our great Eternal Father in our behalf.  A group of people witnessed His pleading in their behalf first hand and documented, "And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great a marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father."                       (3 Nephi 17:17)   

In the Doctrine and Covenants section 43:3-5 we have a glimpse of our Savior's pleadings to our great and Eternal Father: "Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him--saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spared these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life."  Many of our scriptures tell us that narrow is the way and strait is the path, no unclean thing can dwell in our Father's presence, mercy and justice, and the only way to our Father's presence is thorough His beloved son who is our advocate.  I am familiar with many advocates but the one true advocate that I need is my Lord and Savior.  My elder brother and best friend.

Brother Christofferson asked, "Have you ever closed your eyes and imagined what it would feel like to see and hear your Savior pray to His Father for you?  Perhaps He would express gratitude for the desire of your heart to follow Him, for the gifts you bring, for your kindness to His children, for your patience in bearing up in challenging situations, for other things that only He and you know about yourself.  Imagine hearing Him plead that your faith will hold strong and continue to grow, that your ability to be His hands in the world will be enhanced, that your courage will not fail, that the challenges and worries only you and He know you bear will become a source of strength, that you will have everlasting life through your faith in Him. What would it feel like to see and hear Him express his love for His Father and for you?"  I have had glimpses of where I have felt His love for His Father and for me and the joy that fills the soul is so incomprehensible words fail to describe but it forever lingers in ones heart where during your dark times that brilliant light of peace and love chases away the darkness.  As I have studied my scriptures I have found that others have also felt that pure unconditional love and at times they cannot even put that wonderful feeling into words but their experiences speak as a witness to the truthfulness of what I have witnessed and felt.  "By the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established." (2 Corinthians 13:1)

Brother Christofferson then closes with this thought, "Having absorbed these things, is there anything you would hold back from Him? Is there anything He could ask that you would not want to offer, and offer wholeheartedly? And then, could you imagine that you know any individual you would not wish to likewise experience this same overwhelming miracle of love? How would such an experience change your life, your focus, your gratitude and your prayers?"

As I was typing Brother Christoffersons closing thoughts I found myself answering, "No, there is nothing I would hold back from Him, because He is the only one that truly understands my struggles. No, there is nothing that I would not offer, (I just wish I had more to offer) and yes He has my whole heart.  Yes, like Alma, "Oh that I were an angel..."  I have personally tasted His great love and joy and peace to which you want to shout it off a mountain top for all to hear because truly there is no greater gift than understanding and feeling His divine love for you!  My experiences with His love has totally changed my life.  Like Alma the younger, "I became a new creature." My focus is always on Him and how can I please Him, my heart is full of gratitude and I feel like I can never repay or thank Him enough for loving a soul that was so proud and rebellious as mine.  My prayers are intimate because I know He hears and understands.  He is truly my best friend.  In my darkest hours of gloom He is always near bringing peace and comfort to my troubled heart.

If I was present and heard my best friend praying for me, I would be on my knees kissing His feet as my tears freely flowing; my heart would be so full it would feel like it was bursting out of my chest and then I would throw my arms around Him and lean my head against His chest and thank Him for all He has done for me and then I would cry and cry and cry until the tears were gone and letting Him know oh, how much I love you! and He then would wrap His arms around me and He would softly answer, "I love you too."  Then at that moment all the heartaches from my mortal journey would be healed.

There is my answer even now tears of joy are flowing just typing what I would feel if I witnessed my best friend praying for me.  As you go through your days reflect on this :
"What would it be like to hear the Savior pray for me?"  

 

The Loneliness Only the Lord Understands

 In the Bible we are taught, "Foxes have their holes, and the birds of the air have their nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head."

That is why He is the only one who truly understands the lonely journey so many endure. Quietly they travel on a well worn path, sharing a smile with each traveler they pass.

They do their best to bring a ray of sunshine to each person they greet; but once their day ends they are greeted by a silent home.  As they enter they feel a sorrow and loneliness that no other sees. But they have a Heavenly friend who fills their home with love and peace which comforts their wounded heart.

He then whispers in their ear, "The day will come if you continue to endure that you will once again be surrounded by your loved ones and you will never again feel alone."

Comforted by His promise their ready to greet each new day with a smile and offer words of comfort to all the fellow travelers that they meet.