In this journey we call life we find ourselves on smooth waters, rough waters, or raging waters. Each of us facing different journeys with different challenges. In 2020 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and come to find out a very special friend had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. We talked daily as we shared our mutual journey of cancer together. The day I was told I was cancer free I was notified by my friend's husband that she had passed away from her cancer. I spent many years coming to terms with survivor guilt and questioning the Lord "why her? why not me." It took me a couple years to come to peace with the Lord's decision to take her and not me.
Fast forward to July 2025, I begun to not feel well and no one could give me any answers. I found myself in our local ER's and on the third visit I was told my abdomen was full of fluid. They drained a large amount of fluid and then I found out the fluid they had drained was filled with cancer cells. I started to spiral into a deep despair and panic. Anyone who hears "cancer" can relate. I spent a month trying to get more answers and referral to our local cancer center with no luck. It appears now that physicians don't have the time to listen to their patients let alone try and place themselves in their patients'shoes. I was met with indifference and I can't help you. I finally had my husband take me to University of Utah where I knew they would get me into Huntsman. For the first time I was listened to and they immediately reached out to Huntsman who admitted me. The month leading up to that decision I found myself engulfed in great despair and daily pleading with the Lord for some sort of understanding. Hadn't I already endured enough? While I was uttering those self serving prayers the Heavens appeared closed; but in the deepest darkest moment of my despair my prayers changed and then I felt the warmth of the Heavens once again surrounding me.
I have been reading talks given by the brethren in search of understanding and I recently came across a portion of a talk Elder Bednar had given where he talked about the Atonement. I ate up every word. He spoke about Nephi a Book of Mormon Prophet who had angered his two elder brothers and they in return bound him and were talking about killing him. Nephi offered a heartfelt prayer to the Lord: "O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren, yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound," (1 Nephi 7:17) Elder Bednar then explained what his prayer would have been, "..My prayer would have included a request for something bad to happen to my brothers and ended with the phase 'Please get me out of this mess now!" He then went on to explain something that I had missed in reading this passage many times, "It is especially interesting to me that Nephi did not pray as I would have prayed, to have his circumstances changed. Rather, he prayed for the strength to change his circumstances..." His inspired words spoke deeply to my soul as I realized that during my dark days I had been praying for the Lord to change my circumstances.
After a couple surgeries and hospital stays at Huntsman I now know the cancer that I am dealing with; like my beloved friend I am facing an ovarian cancer that worked itself into the lining of my stomach. I was blessed to have an amazing surgeon and the Lord's watchful eye over me during the two surgeries. I still have my dark moments of despair as I have been preparing myself for the next leg of my journey treatment. As a hospice nurse I saw the effects of chemo and it left some deep anti chemo sentiments but my surgeon has been a great cheerleader in trying to ease those fears and cheering me on. Elder Bednar closed his thoughts with this profound statement that I have been clinging to, "The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own..." At this time I am relying on that power to keep me moving forward through this new journey and not fall into deep despair.
How grateful I am for the companionship of the Holy Ghost who when he sees me starting to mentally fray leads me to a place of peace either through inspired music, the brethren or my beloved scriptures. During the first leg of this journey I found myself in one of my dark moments and I came across a talk given by President Holland who talked about ministering angels and then referencing 2 Kings 6:16, 17: "...Mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire..." In his closing remarks he promised that "in your time of need if you could see past the veil you would see chariots of fire rushing to your protection." I remember thinking, "I hope those chariots are surrounding me now." There is no doubt in my mind that they were and still are.
I then read another quote from one of the brethren about our pioneer forebear's who are cheering us on from the other side. I have felt that power also but the greatest power that has helped buoy me has been the heartfelt prayers on my behalf from friends and my beloved Branch Members. The Lord has blessed me by surrounding me with the best of the best and how I love and appreciate them all!
For now I am physically healing and mentally preparing myself for the next leg of my journey and I know the Lord will have the best of the best who will be treating and watching over my treatment. With that being said I am also sure that there will be days I will find myself close to the mental edge but because of all the love and support surrounding me here and from the other side of the veil I will pull myself back to face a new day. One of those cheering me on is my beloved friend who has whispered, "you got this dude!"
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