Ones Crowning Beauty

 As I continue on with my cancer journey, I recently met my chemo team where the wall of denial was torn down with a demolition ball as they explained to me the process of my chemo treatments.  My chemo doc started explaining the side effects to expect.  The first being that I would, "lose my hair quickly."  I was instantly sick to my stomach as she continued to explain the do's and don'ts while receiving chemo.  My world was instantly turned upside down again.

All my life I have had thick beautiful hair.  People would ask me to share some of my hair with them.  When I first started my salt and pepper look, I received compliments on how beautiful my hair looked with the salt and pepper and how many wished theirs would change as mine had. Then when I became silver, I was complimented on the beautiful color of my hair with people sharing with me that they wished their hair was the color of mine.  I considered my hair one of my blessings from a loving Heavenly Father.

Upon returning home I found myself distraught at the thought of losing my hair.  I called my friend who happens to be my hairdresser in tears.  She listened to my sobs and then offered to shave my head to save me the hysteria of having my hair come out in handfuls in my hands during a shower.  We set the date and we cried as she lovingly shaved my head.  She then shared with me that once I started the chemo I would start noticing bald spots and when that happened to call her and she then would take my remaining hair off.  She then taught me how to tie scarves around my head and told me, "Girl, you're going to lose your  eyebrows also, so you will need to get an eyebrow pencil."  She knows I have never worn makeup and we both shared a laugh when I shared with her that if I tried to pencil on eyebrows I would have liner going all over my face.

My husband being a man was like, "it's just hair. It will grow back."  I know that; but for me it has been hard to lose my hair.  My surgeon tried to help by stating, "Hey, when your hair grows back you may have curly hair for a change."  That made me smile.  

As I have been facing my hair crisis I found myself in the Old Testament in which the topic was hair.  One of the first verses I found myself in was Isaiah.  I remember reading this passage as a little girl and it scarred me deeply.  It is found in Isaiah 3:16-26:  "Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet.  Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.  In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon.  The chains and the bracelets, and the mufflers.  The bonnets, and the ornaments for the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings.  The rings, and nose jewels.  The changeable suits of apparel and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins.  The glasses and the fine linen, and the hoods and the veils.  And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there will be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth and burning instead of beauty...  And her gates shall lament and mourn; and she being desolate shall sit upon the ground."  As an impressionable little girl I felt that a woman's hair was one of her crowns of beauty.

Then in Proverbs 16:31: "The hoary head (The gray hair of old age) is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness."  I know it's silly but in this verse I felt like I was losing my crown of glory, which I know is not the case but all the same it has and will be a major adjustment for me.

Like so many have shared with me my hair will grow back.  I guess I am just going to have to look at this as a new adventure as I see the results of what my hair will look like when it starts to grow back.  Could it possibly come back as my favorite color blue?  (I seriously doubt that) But it will be fun to see how my hair will come back; curly, straight, brown, silver, white or gray and will I still have the same thickness that I lost.  Only time will tell,

Now if you see me with pencil marks all over my face, please be kind and remember it will be OK to laugh with me because honestly I have no idea how to apply makeup due to I have never worn make up and if you see me with bright hats and colorful scarves those are to make you smile as well as to keep me positive as I continue on this second leg of my cancer journey because we are all in this journey called life together.  Through our good times and our bad times, someone will always have your back and that is our Heavenly Father who will never ever forsake you and friends that the Lord has placed in your path for such a time as this!

Understanding the Depth of the Atonement

 In this journey we call life we find ourselves on smooth waters, rough waters, or raging waters.  Each of us facing different journeys with different challenges.  In 2020 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and come to find out a very special friend had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.  We talked daily as we shared our mutual journey of cancer together.  The day I was told I was cancer free I was notified by my friend's husband that she had passed away from her cancer.  I spent many years coming to terms with survivor guilt and questioning the Lord "why her? why not me."  It took me a couple years to come to peace with the Lord's decision to take her and not me.

Fast forward to July 2025, I begun to not feel well and no one could give me any answers.  I found myself in our local ER's and on the third visit I was told my abdomen was full of fluid.  They drained a large amount of fluid and then I found out the fluid they had drained was filled with cancer cells.  I started to spiral into a deep despair and panic.  Anyone who hears "cancer" can relate.  I spent a month trying to get more answers and referral to our local cancer center with no luck.  It appears now that physicians don't have the time to listen to their patients let alone try and place themselves in their patients'shoes.  I was met with indifference and I can't help you.  I finally had my husband take me to University of Utah where I knew they would get me into Huntsman.  For the first time I was listened to and they immediately reached out to Huntsman who admitted me.  The month leading up to that decision I found myself engulfed in great despair and daily pleading with the Lord for some sort of understanding.  Hadn't I already endured enough?  While I was uttering those self serving prayers the Heavens appeared closed; but in the deepest darkest moment of my despair my prayers changed and then I felt the warmth of the Heavens once again surrounding me.

I have been reading talks given by the brethren in search of understanding and I recently came across a portion of a talk Elder Bednar had given where he talked about the Atonement.  I ate up every word.  He spoke about Nephi a Book of Mormon Prophet who had angered his two elder brothers and they in return bound him and were talking about killing him.  Nephi offered a heartfelt prayer to the Lord:  "O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren, yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound," (1 Nephi 7:17)  Elder Bednar then explained what his prayer would have been, "..My prayer would have included a request for something bad to happen to my brothers and ended with the phase 'Please get me out of this mess now!"  He then went on to explain something that I had missed in reading this passage many times, "It is especially interesting to me that Nephi did not pray as I would have prayed, to have his circumstances changed.  Rather, he prayed for the strength to change his circumstances..."  His inspired words spoke deeply to my soul as I realized that during my dark days I had been praying for the Lord to change my circumstances.

After a couple surgeries and hospital stays at Huntsman I now know the cancer that I am dealing with; like my beloved friend I am facing an ovarian cancer that worked itself into the lining of my stomach.  I was blessed to have an amazing surgeon and the Lord's watchful eye over me during the two surgeries.  I still have my dark moments of despair as I have been preparing myself for the next leg of my journey treatment.  As a hospice nurse I saw the effects of chemo and it left some deep anti chemo sentiments but my surgeon has been a great cheerleader in trying to ease those fears and cheering me on.  Elder Bednar closed his thoughts with this profound statement that I have been clinging to, "The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own..."  At this time I am relying on that power to keep me moving forward through this new journey and not fall into deep despair.

How grateful I am for the companionship of the Holy Ghost who when he sees me starting to mentally fray leads me to a place of peace either through inspired music, the brethren or my beloved scriptures.  During the first leg of this journey I found myself in one of my dark moments and I came across a talk given by President Holland who talked about ministering angels and then referencing 2 Kings 6:16, 17:   "...Mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire..."  In his closing remarks he promised that "in your time of need if you could see past the veil you would see chariots of fire rushing to your protection."  I remember thinking, "I hope those chariots are surrounding me now."  There is no doubt in my mind that they were and still are.

I then read another quote from one of the brethren about our pioneer forebear's who are cheering us on from the other side.  I have felt that power also but the greatest power that has helped buoy me has been the heartfelt prayers on my behalf from friends and my beloved Branch Members.  The Lord has blessed me by surrounding me with the best of the best and how I love and appreciate them all!

For now I am physically healing and mentally preparing myself for the next leg of my journey and I know the Lord will have the best of the best who will be treating and watching over my treatment.  With that being said I am also sure that there will be days I will find myself close to the mental edge but because of all the love and support surrounding me here and from the other side of the veil I will pull myself back to face a new day. One of those cheering me on is my beloved friend who has whispered,  "you got this dude!"