On this journey, over the last few months I have found myself reflecting on time. People say, "Oh, time passes so slowly," As a little Child I never thought that one day I would be a 60 year old woman and how quickly that would day came. Yet, here I am 60 years old as of the 9th of Dec. and it happened in a blink of an eye.
For me, facing a life threatening disease that has taken so many, even one of my true blue friends who like many was taken to soon, I for one have been reflecting on my life and the choices I had made throughout my life. As a teenager I was lost and traveled down a dark road of misery. It took me many years to pull myself out of that darkness with the help of a family, inspired mentors and a loving Heavenly Father who never gave up on this child. I have learned for myself that it is much easier to face life's nasty curve balls with Him standing beside you than trying to face them on your own,
Elder Maxwell once made a comment, that "one must lay all their heart on the alter of discipleship...: I have had trials in which I felt that I had laid all my heart on the alter of discipleship, but I am learning that those were just the beginning; but through each one of those heart wrenching trials, the Lord was there giving me strength and whispering words of comfort. With my new cancer diagnosis along with all the other disruptions that are occurring in our lives, the Lord has once again blessed me with physical strength to work, attend a few of my church meetings and attend to my temple assignment and He has buoyed me up, but my mental and physical health is very fragile.
Yesterday during my temple shift I was visiting with a nice gentleman and shared with him that I always wear a hat now now because I have no hair and that my eyebrows were starting to thin and I was wondering if I would have eyebrows left when my chemo was done. I then shared with him that "my home and Huntsman are the only safe places I will not wear a hat but out there in the world, there are no safe places.
Sadly, even the temple that I love so much I face that awkward discomfort as workers get uncomfortable around me which makes me self conscious, I have left my the temple in tears on those days, like I am the broken one when in actuality it is them that are broken. Yet, Heavenly Father sends someone to reassure me all is well.
I hear a lot, "you sure look good having cancer." In which I am not sure how to reply, so I give them an awkward thank you and then give the credit of my looking good to Heavenly Father because He is the one blessing me with the strength to continue; even though inside I feel like crud. He has blessed us with sufficient for our needs a concept that I never really understood until now. There have been times when I think "Oh, I feel so good! I am going to do this and this and this and then I get a very painful reminder "that wasn't part of our deal" and I wind up hurting and sick for days. (When this journey first began, once I got over my anger and shock and let Heavenly Father know that His will would be done an agreement was made)
My world has gotten very small and my future is uncertain. My trial in 2017 caused me to lose so much muscle mass and gave me anxiety which was totally foreign to me but now my skin is starting to change with age and I am losing more muscle mass and my anxiety triggers are rearing their ugly head more and more. It is painful to look at my body all scarred from all the surgeries. I am able to look in the mirror at my bald head and no longer cry. I have even shown some of our Kindergarten class my bald head for a brief moment because in their innocence they don't understand why I lost all my hair. I am now able to joke "Since I don't have any hair I can't blame it on Senior Blonde moments, I have to blame it on chemo brain.." I am also able to joke that I feel like Frankenstein's bride with all my scars because like Humpty Dumpty I was put back together again." In my mind that is a sign of emotional healing but I have a long ways to go,
The one constant that I know is with my personal hands of time I am at peace either way. If the Lord wants to call me home or if he wants me to stay and serve another day. So, many people fear death. I guess I get that because when my life was out of order I had an experience where I yelled at a nurse, "I'm dying and your not doing a damn thing to save me." I was in state of total fear because I at that time I was not ready to face my Heavenly Father but when I crossed over I was met by loved ones and felt nothing but pure love so much so that my heart longed to stay. They told me I had to return and when I asked why they pointed and I saw my husband and my parents crying in a room and my heart was so filled with love for them and then I was body slammed back into my body. I remember trying to get up out of the bed and my throat really hurt and my stomach was so tight. Not understanding what had happened I started to panic, when I heard a reassuring voice and someone patting my arm and helping me lay back down. I felt such a beautiful peace. I went back to sleep. When I awoke a nurse came into my room and I asked her about the woman who had been with me during the night who had calmed me, her response left me speechless, "there was no one with you at that time."
I recently spoke to my adopted mother who was in tears because her friend of over 70 some years had been diagnosed with colon cancer and didn't have much more time on this earth. She was sobbing so badly I could barely understand her. As she was ending our call I asked to tell my Favorite New Yorker that I loved her and when my time came I would go looking for her to give her a late hug. She assured me she would through her tears and the call ended. As for my time here I am at peace staying her to serve but I still have those longings to return back to my Heavenly home.
I would like to close with President Eryings words from our Oct. Conference. It was like he was standing in my living room talking to me personally, "...The word prove has several meanings. To prove something is not to simply test it. It is to increase its strength..The Lord proves us in much the same way to strengthen us. That proving does not come in moments of ease or comfort. It comes in moments when we feel stretched beyond what we thought we could bear. The Lord teaches that we are to continue to grow and never tire in our efforts, that we never give up, that we keep trying...The greatest example of proving and strengthening occurred through the Savior's Atonement...He bore our pains and our sorrows...Because of His glorious Atonement, Jesus Christ can strengthen us in our times of trial. He knows how to succor us because He has felt all the challenges that we will ever feel in mortality...I bear witness that these moments are not evidence that the Lord has abandoned you. Rather, they are evidence that He loves you enough to refine and strengthen you...If we remain faithful in our service, the Lord will refine us. He will strengthen us. And one day we will look back and see that those very trials were evidence of His love. We will see that He was shaping us to be able to stand with him in glory...I testify that God knows you. He knows the trials you face. He is with you. He will not forsake you. I testify that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. He is our strength, our Redeemer our hope. If we trust Him. He will make our spiritual power equal to every trial we are called to bear..." I can add my testimony to his because I know it is the power of the Atonement and Jesus Christ my best friend who is walking beside me during this trial and my uncertain future. The one certain I have is He will not forsake me and He will be right there with me until it is my time to be called back to my Heavenly Home.
May you feel His love and strength with you during the trials you maybe called to face.
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